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smibbowhy am I not here?
because I'm stuck inside my head now...
I am feeling so lonely lately, yet I don't want to share my feelings with anyone much because... ehhh because I feel like it's mine and there's nothing anyone can say that will make me feel less alone. I know other people have had to go through a loved one's dying and I bet they felt the same way. I can talk about how it feels, how it looks, exactly what I see, my ideas and impressions, my fears and anger, my musings and maybe even our conversations... but it all seems so paltry in comparison to actually being here and dealing with it.
You know what I do want to say? I want to get out of me.. the fact that... I feel so goddamned guilty. Because I have only been visiting him every other day... not every day. Because I stay inside my house, doing my stupid little things and I am alive to do them. Its really fucking eating me up. I hate this... this feeling like I should be there 24-7 at his side. Because I know better, I do. What makes it even stupider is that HE TOLD me I should know better... last time I was there, after all I did and all the talking we had he looked up at me at one point laughing and said with an emphatic wave of his hand "GO HOME!" (well about as close to yelling as he can at this point - he can barely whisper) I knew exactly what he was thinking: I shouldn't be there, "wasting" my time with a dying man... I should be living my life and not subjecting him to the embarrassment of being watched in his feeble last moments. I understand that... I'm not sure I'd feel entirely comfortable with my young loved ones seeing me like that. At the same time, I know how lonely and scared and angry he is... I know how it feels to be sitting in a hospital bed with nothing... phasing in and out of conciousness. The biggest difference is that even in my most fearful moments, I knew I was going to leave the hospital and he knows he's not. Fucking hell, just writing that pisses me off.
So instead I'm sitting on all these different feelings because believe me, what I just wrote is barely the tip of the iceberg. I'm sitting on them because for once in my life, words just seem empty and naive. I feel like there's NOTHING I could say, really, that could make ANY difference in what's going on.
...and even this much seems whiney and bitchy. What right do I have to feel anything negative? I'm still alive. I can still get up out of my chair. I can still speak whenever I want to. I just can't think of anything to say that seems worthwhile. So I'm ashamed of my inability to do anything constructive in this maelstrom of emotion. I feel so worthless nowadays.
because I'm stuck inside my head now...
I am feeling so lonely lately, yet I don't want to share my feelings with anyone much because... ehhh because I feel like it's mine and there's nothing anyone can say that will make me feel less alone. I know other people have had to go through a loved one's dying and I bet they felt the same way. I can talk about how it feels, how it looks, exactly what I see, my ideas and impressions, my fears and anger, my musings and maybe even our conversations... but it all seems so paltry in comparison to actually being here and dealing with it.
You know what I do want to say? I want to get out of me.. the fact that... I feel so goddamned guilty. Because I have only been visiting him every other day... not every day. Because I stay inside my house, doing my stupid little things and I am alive to do them. Its really fucking eating me up. I hate this... this feeling like I should be there 24-7 at his side. Because I know better, I do. What makes it even stupider is that HE TOLD me I should know better... last time I was there, after all I did and all the talking we had he looked up at me at one point laughing and said with an emphatic wave of his hand "GO HOME!" (well about as close to yelling as he can at this point - he can barely whisper) I knew exactly what he was thinking: I shouldn't be there, "wasting" my time with a dying man... I should be living my life and not subjecting him to the embarrassment of being watched in his feeble last moments. I understand that... I'm not sure I'd feel entirely comfortable with my young loved ones seeing me like that. At the same time, I know how lonely and scared and angry he is... I know how it feels to be sitting in a hospital bed with nothing... phasing in and out of conciousness. The biggest difference is that even in my most fearful moments, I knew I was going to leave the hospital and he knows he's not. Fucking hell, just writing that pisses me off.
So instead I'm sitting on all these different feelings because believe me, what I just wrote is barely the tip of the iceberg. I'm sitting on them because for once in my life, words just seem empty and naive. I feel like there's NOTHING I could say, really, that could make ANY difference in what's going on.
...and even this much seems whiney and bitchy. What right do I have to feel anything negative? I'm still alive. I can still get up out of my chair. I can still speak whenever I want to. I just can't think of anything to say that seems worthwhile. So I'm ashamed of my inability to do anything constructive in this maelstrom of emotion. I feel so worthless nowadays.
