smibbo | Entries tagged with 7 deadly sins

(general note: when sitting at my computer, I can BARELY see the normal type on the screen so all my entries will be in larger font size from now on)

My treadmill came in today. I'll be putting that together in a minute.

Right now, the plan is that I will use that treadmill anytime I get antsy for a cigarette.

I bought my last pack yesterday. I had been whittling it all down til I was at around one pack = three days. And these are ultra-lights as well. I noticed the less I smoke; the longer i wait to do it, the better my O2 levels are and the less I use my inhaler. You may be sitting there thinking "yeah well no shit, sherlock" but you don't understand how important it is for this lesson to be *tested* and *tangible* for it to be of any use. Because I'm not talking about being a smoker versus being a non-smoker. I'm talking about actual immediate numbers. Smoking 10 cigarettes in a day is better than smoking 15. Smoking 5 cigarettes is better than smoking ten. Smoking 2 in a 3 hour period is better than smoking 2 in the same hour.
From all this I can actually quantify the difference in O2 level checks and how many hits on my inhaler I'll need. (no I do not have a formula for all this but you get the idea)

Of course those expectations are altered by the amount of pollen in the air as well.

And Pollen is the reason I got the treadmill. Pollen and hills. I love walking. But walking up and down hills is not recommended by my doctor right now. Also, I'm not romanced by the idea of walking in the rain or freezing cold. But I've been told I need to walk every day. I'm fine with that notion but it means I need artificial means to do it. Hence, $500 spent on a home treadmill.

I opened up a Merril Lynch investment account. It's technically an IRA but so far as I know, it is non-interest-bearing because it's a SEP (self-employed)

So I do all of it online.

So far, the wonderful world of the stock market is a huge disappointment (as I knew it would be) because I have "pennies" to contribute.

I've put $850 into the account so far. $150 is still in "cash". My investments have netted me $600 at this point. Which means I"ve lost about $100 at this point. Obviously that could change and I could wake up tomorrow... middle class. But that's doubtful. I made deliberate risky investments with small amounts. Because I wanted to see what happens. It's a few hundred here and there. I sincerely doubt ALL the money will evaporate but most likely it won't be worth the same as if I had stuck it in a bank account.

Well my next purchase will be a solid stock. I'm going to buy a share in Roku. Everything I know tells me that's going to be a good investment and might even possibly end up being a Blue chip like J&J, Apple or Dow-Jones. For that reason, it is a very expensive stock. well, by MY standards anyway. Last time I saw it at the morning surge it was $400 each. So I put enough in my account to buy ONE share.

Now the problem with doing all this online is the real-time lag. Of course I didn't even think about my stupid IRA all week and so haven't bothered looking at it. Now it's Friday and I suddenly get the urge to check on it, after 5pm. Nothing is going to happen until Monday. I also realized I didn't have enough money in my current account to buy a share of Roku. So I put in the transfer order to put the money in from my bank account. Except that also takes 3 days. So it won't credit my account with the money so I can't put in the buy-limit order for the stock.

Why do we bother living in the future when the people who get rich off of us just use it to find new ways to keep us down?

it's been a long time so I cleaned up my friends list. If I took you off and you think I shouldn't have, then comment here. I probably took you off because I didn't recognize your username and I think we don't actually know each other.

I keep an LJ alive and running because I want to keep up with my friends and post more private kind of things. I have a Facebook to feel a more general connection to my wider circles.

If you decide people are automatically racist because they have posted something in sympathy with Paris but not (to your knowledge) on the super-long list of other human rights fails (that you decided were important) then you can just stay out of my circle. My feelings and thoughts MIGHT be reflected by what I put up here or on Facebook, but they might not. You don't get to brand me any-damned thing just because I don't follow your chosen protocol of concern. Bye.

you say I hurt you, but you also say you know it was not intentional. You bitched at me and my friends, all of whom tried to explain to you that your actions were insincere and cruel. You rode the horse of pain until that sucker fell down and croaked. Still you insisted that we were mean to you, didn't respect you, damned near said we were out to get you. We all individually decided to just drop the issue. Everyone had their own reasons and I'm not going to get embroiled in defending other people's actions and words when they do that better themselves anyway.

The bottom line is this: you acted badly. I responded with honesty and reached out to you. Yes, I was angry and freely told you so, but I also told you I loved you, respected you and wanted what was best for you. I didn't appreciate your dishonesty, your manipulation or your breast-beating. I told you everything that was in my heart PRIVATELY but you chose to paint it like an attack. Your choice. You chose to deride me PUBLICLY. Again, your choice.

But you did something unforgiveable in my book: you involved people near and dear to me who were not party to what was happenning between us. You manipulated and guilted someone very important in my life.

All this time, you could have been emailing ME, you chose to email someone else and act as though she were somehow responsible for my actions. You made her cry several times. All this AFTER she apologized to you for whatever it was you were angry at her for. I don't know, because her relationship with you is her business and I do not want, expect or ask to be involved. But that wasn't good enough for you? You took advantage of her desire to remain friends with you. You tried to twist her feelings for you and use them to get at me.

You know what? Fuck you and your righteous bullshit.

Here's the deal: you make her cry again and I'll come over to your place and beat the living shit out of you. That enough animosity for you? now you can go back to your journal and tell everyone I'm psychopathic or cruel or what-the-fuck-ever. I don't care what your minions think of me. I assume that if they are the least bit curious and intelligent they will come over here and decide for themselves what I am like.
Just remember what I said because I sure as fuck mean it.

this post is going to ramble... A LOT
( the truth? you think I tell THE TRUTH? HA! I'll tell you The Truth! )

Current Mood: annoyed

snippet from recent conversation:

stoopid guy: ...what I don't understand is why whenever I go out with friends and we see some chicks we'd like to meet, I always end up with The Fat Chick!
Me: ....
SG: I mean... not that I mind talking to them or anything... they're usually pretty nice to talk to and all but -
Me: uh...
SG: What?
Me: did it occur to you that perhaps I'm female and you might not want to be saying something like that?
SG: oh.... uh
Me: yeah.

When I was in high school, it only took about two months before I got asked out by a senior. I dated that same guy for nearly two years. We kept it quiet for a while because I think he was embarrassed about dating me. One day, however, we were accidently discovered by some of the popular kids. He and I were lying down together in the park, making out mostly but looking up at the clouds, chatting and generally enjoying one another's company. We heard a car door slam. We looked up and saw the three most popular girls in school get out of their car and stare at us. We froze... not knowing what to do we just lay there listening to them while they tried to figure out who they were looking at. Eventually, they got back in their car and drove off.

The next school day, I was at my locker when The Blonde Popular Girl came up to me.

"Was that T__ you were up there in the park with?"
"yes," I said warily, not looking at her.
"What were you guys doing up there?" she said, crinkling her cute little button nose up at me.
I sighed and turned to look her full in the face, "what do you think we were doing?"
I slammed my locker closed and stormed off. Not before I had seen her face change into a look of amazed horror. I realized, as I walked away, that she had the wrong idea about what I said... she obviously thought we were having sex. In the middle of the park. In view of the street. In broad daylight.
Yeesh.
Oh well.

After that day, I was suddenly no longer the pariah of the high school set. No longer did the popular people look at me like an amusing pet... suddenly I was "okay" in their book. I got invited to all the parties, got asked out a few times (I always said "yes" at least once, then subsequent requests were politely turned down) and I even had a few make-out sessions. "Big Whoop" was my attitude. Popular people taking an interest in me because they thought I was one of the "sexually active" set was not any kind of compliment to me. They kythed this attitude from me and began to be even more curious. They couldn't seem to understand that I could care less about their shallow, silly selves. Having been shunned and spurned all through junior high school didn't exactly make me slaver for the attentions of the shiny-happy clique.

After I left high school, I started hanging out with an older set of people. I was 15 years old and I was spending most of my time with a group of college kids 18-22. This was the nerd set. We read sci-fi, dissected the universe and sometimes dropped LSD together. These people had been shunned too. Now they were in college where no one cared if they had "the right clothes" or whatever. We were grand friends. I also fell in love for the first time.
One day, I was talking to one of my friends about sex and dating. He was a typical nerd who, at 21, had still never been on a serious date and was still "cherry". I was trying to explain to him how to increase his chances with women by describing how he needed to approach them a bit more seriously than he usually did. I tried to explain the whole "sexless" thing that happens to a young woman when she hangs out with a guy who tries too hard to be her buddy.
At some point he, attempting to illustrate a point, mentioned that the object of my affections - my first love - had said that the prospect of dating me was "gross"

Oh wow.

Talk about stinging. Never had I heard anything that hurt me so bad. I kept it inside and said nothing at the time while he prattled on.
"Gross..." the word echoed in my head over and over, "he thinks you're gross...."

I know the young man who supposedly uttered this phrase would never have been so crass as say that to my face. He even denied ever having said it years later when I mentioned it. So, of course, it wasn't so much a slap in the face as it was just a helpless deflation. I had never entertained the notion that he would want me... I had watched him date two of my best friends and so I knew he would never be mine. But to hear that phrase... ouch.

Everyone has a helpless deflation in their past. What was yours?

( the beginning )

post anonymous comments.

talk about yourself, me or anything else, so long as it's something you're afraid to say out loud.

*EDITORIAL UPDATE*
DO NOT NAME ANY NAMES!
OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT INVADES SOMEONE'S PRIVACY!

a dear friend has asked for my help in a delicate matter.

A young girl (15) unknown to either of us previously is pregnant. She says it is the result of a gang rape. Her mother is in the process of emancipating her but has told her in no uncertain terms that she will not help the young girl get an abortion. The young girl's boyfriend wants her to keep the baby so they can raise it together. The young girl does not want to have the baby at all.

1) We don't know for sure who's the father. Maybe she lied and the father is her boyfriend. Maybe she lied to her boyfriend and he thinks he's the father.
2) She knows absolutely that she doesn't want to have a baby.
3) Her mother is of no help or support at all.
4) she has no money. My friend and I are both effectively broke. If I "loan" her the money in a few weeks, I'll never see it again I'd figure.

*sigh*

when my half-brother was diagnosed (multiple mental disabilities) my mother fell apart. My father retreated and we all shielded my younger half-brother from the extent of RObin's illnesses and dad's alcoholism as well. By the time he was a teenager, he basically ignored everythign wrong in the family. He did not take responsibility for anyone and went about his merry little way. Through the years, I have always been there for my family, and I have done whatever they asked of me to help them. They rarely asked my brother for anything and kept some certain knowledge from him. I babysat my disabled brother, I kept him and went to meetings with my mother about taking care of him. I even took some classes in sign language back when we thought he might be able to learn it (he wasn't)

Then when my brother graduated from college, he decided to make amovie about our disabled brother. He interviewed people and researched conditions and took up a lot of people's time energy and trust. Was that film ever made? Nope. Was I interviewed? Nope. But everyone still acts like he's the savior just because one day he decided to make a film. NO one noticed that I'm not anywhere in that movie. No one mentioned to my brother that in everyone he interviewed, he shows no contribution to our disabled brother at all.

Sometimes you do the right thing, and no one says "thank you" or "good job" or even "well at least you did the right thing"

Do some flashy half-assed last minute thing and everyone's kissing your butt.

It didn't used to bother me, but lately, it does.

I have always considered myself a monogamous person. I have dated more than one person at a time and I have had sexual relationships with more than one person at a time BUT to me that is not polyamory.

DATING is one thing to me, choosing to commit to someone is another thing entirely. In my dating times, I have merely enjoyed the presence of other people and sought to know them better.

In my relationship times, I have decided to focus on my relationship with one person alone because I beleived there was a synergy that made "us" together better than us individually. This synergy includes sexual behavior, emotional sharing on all levels, and the revealing of one's inner self that makes you vulnerable. To facilitate this pursuit of synergy, I lived with every person I chose to have a monogamous relationship with.

I hear other people talk about being Poly and usually to me (based on MY definition) they are just openly dating people. Some truly ARE poly in my mind because they live with someone they cherish and obviously feel committed to yet it is agreed that they allow for the possibility of outside sexual involvement.

Here's what's bothering me: Poly people keep saying (among other things)"I believe you can love more than one person at a time"

Since when did any monogamous person (with half a non-extremist brain) ever say that it is impossible to love more than one person at a time? Where did anyone get the idea that being monogamous means you cannot spread your love and affection around? This disturbs and puzzles me.

I have three children. Of course I love them all. Of course I am committed to each of them. I disagree that my love and commitment is "equal" because they are different kids with different needs so there's no such thing as "equal" love.

I have a boyfriend. I love him. I also have: a mother, a father, a best friend, a best friend from high school, a best friend from my pre-marraige philly days, a best friend from junior high school, a mom-confidente, a couple of crushes and some outright fantasies (Okay, only one really). None of those other loves that I have are the same as my love for my boyfriend. Catch me at the right moment and I'll bet there are times when I'd agree that I love someone "more" than him. Pfeh.

I love lots of people. I'm attracted (in varying degrees and different hues) to lots of people sexually too. So what?

being monogamous with my boyfriend means I choose to refrain from exploring a total synergistic relationship with other people. It means that whatever rapport I share with someone else, there is something that other person does not get. There is a part of me, a promise if you will, that no other person gets from me except my beloved. That part of me is the willingness to always try, always give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible and to always trust him more than my own fears. That is the promise I make to myself when I commit to another person. I could not make that kind of promise en toto to more than one person at a time. I doubt I have that much faith. To believe in someone enough to open yourself, you have to hand them all your trust even when its scaring the shit out of you. You have to know that it will be worth it in the end and will bring you closer together, to a better understanding of each other. You have to trust that even if things don't work out in the practical world, even if you both are not really suited for the future together as a synergistic pair, the revelations you share will still be with you. You will still gain from them. It will be worth it.

All of this with more than one person? I couldn't do it. it's hard enough to trust and share myself with one person.

And I couldn't keep track of the schedule frankly.

I had yet another lascivious dream about having sex with a woman. Grr! This one was unusual because in it, the woman was ordering me about. I've never been submissive, in bed or otherwise, so it kinda surprised me in the dream that I was complying with her wishes. She was the usual dream-girl; light, short-clipped hair, thin body with little muscle tone, piercing blue eyes and only a little taller than me. In short, aside from the height, everything I am NOT attracted to in women. Go figure. Usually she looks very young - younger than me by far - sometimes young enough for me to be embarrassed that I'm doing her, but last night's woman was youngish but not tragically so.

The whole thing was extremely atypical except for her looks.

Thing is, I've been having these dreams for a while and they're driving me NUTS!!!

Right. So, Dot called me a couple of days ago. Did I ever mention that she has light, short-clipped hair, is rail-thin with no muscle tone, wears light purple contacts over her brown eyes and is only a little taller than me? Yeah, and she's about 14 years younger than me too. Arrrrgh.

Right. So.

Anyway... this dream was odd becauase in it, the dream-girl was really pissed off about something, she was stomping around, yelling at various people. She seemed to be especially pissed at some guy. I was watching her, just noticing her attire really: she looked like a toned-down version of a pro dominatrix. At one point she whirled around and pointed at me
"YOU!" she screamed "you give head?"
I was shocked but I nodded.
"Lightening fast?" she yelled
I nodded again.
"GET OVER HERE!"

Right. So.
I am not going to make this pornography (you'll have to wait on that.... I'm not sure I'm all that capable of writing porn that works too well) I'm just going to say that while I was doing as she commanded, my brain was churning away full-blast. I was amazed at myself for following orders so quickly and I was surprised that I didn't mind at all. I didn't feel in the least bit humiliated or debased or anything; I felt like I was simply helping out someone. I had this feeling like she was actually a scared spoiled child who needed to feel in control for a little while. I felt as if I was the one who was really running the show and that my benevolence was keeping this role-playing going on.

I'm sure all my little armchair-amalyst friends will just have a FIELD day with all this.

Go ahead.
Give me your take on this.
Remember, I haven't told you everything!
*grins*

"touuuuuuch me in the mor-hor-nihihiiiiin', Then just clo-oooooze the doorrrrr..... leave me as you fou-hownd me-he-heeee, lying in the floor-ho-ho-hoor.
touuuuuuch me in the mor-hor-nihihiiiiin', then just walk awaaaaay..... we don't have to-mo-har-rohohoooooo, but we had yesterday-hay-hay-haayy"

*grabs specialized shotgun*
*blows musical memory brains cells to kingdom come*

I thought I'd be helpful and spill some beans:

1) I multi-task like windows 9x; a little bit at a time, things get done.

aka_baphomet said "you don't spend more than ten minutes on anything!" A former roommate dubbed me "Speedy Gonzales"

2) I soar high, then crash and burn. I get energetic phases then go on a crying jag.

3) I'm passionate

4) I LOVE to argue, debate, critique and analyze. I hate bickering though.

5) I was a gourmet chef for nearly 15 years. If I can't eat something high-falootin' I'd just as soon go hungry. It was my excuse for anorexia for many years. I'm not anorexic anymore but some of the symptoms still pop up occasionally without my realizing it.

6) I'm not conceited, but I can be vain. Unfortunately this is self-destructive.

7) I love my kids more than anything in the world.

8) If I find out you lied to me, I will never forget it. I won't ever lie to you. I took a vow of complete honesty about 12 years ago. I finally broke it (modified it) about a year ago and decided to start fudging the truth to look for a job and go on welfare. I still don't lie to any person I know except my ex-husband. I do not hold this standard for anyone else, it's my personal decision.

9) I love to talk, but love to hear other people talk too. If you are in something I don't know anything about, I'll pester you with questions. Heck, I'll pester you with questions no matter what.

10) If I seem unhappy and quiet, that means I'm really pissed and you'd better leave me alone.

11) I am a loud person. I yell a lot. It means I'm excited.

12) If I get to know you, I'll probably get a crush on you. Then you are my friend forever.

13) I always get into trouble when I am bored. I'm sure whatever I die from, it will involve curiousity.

( WARNING: Sexual content ahead!!! )

I hate that you ever touched me while I trembled

I hate tht I ever yearned for your approval

I hate that you were ever importnat to me

I hate that I lost myself in you

I hate how much I slid over life after I freed myself from you
because it was the only insurance I had

I hate how desperate I was to win you
I hate how much I lowered myself for you
I hate that I believed in us but I couldn't believe in myself

I hate how smooth your cheek was to me
I hate how softly you sighed
I hate how your eyes twinkled when you giggled
I hate how easily you told your stories
I hate how much worshipped me
I hate how much you spoiled me
I hate how the screen fell and I was left holding something in my hands that was sliding away in droplets too fast to catch but too slow to soak up
I hate how you made me think you loved me
I hate how much I loved you

mostly I hate that I have those memories
even though those memories keep me whole
they also make me cold;
they turned my eyes into pinpoints of dark focus, calculating how far it was to the door and how fast I have to run
They turned my hands into hesitant wanderers, longing for freedom to move in realms that create dread
They turned my lips into cracked rubber bands, flexing naturally back to the smallest simplest curve yet snapped again to a taut thin line of a sneer
these memories make me someone I hate, because I can't stop them from teaching me
how much I lost and how much I gave away
and how hard it will be to get it all back again

why can't I hate you?

my brother is getting married tomorrow.

I'm trying to think up a good toast for him.

What really comes to mind, knowing him and her as I do, is "to my brother, who somehow managed to snare a good one before she came to her senses.... let's hope he can keep up the facade"

but I don't think that will go over well.

Then there's "to M and E, who prove that true love can change a whiney, self-absorbed little boy into a happy, generous man. May E never find out what I'm talking about"

but I don't think that will go over well either.

lastly, "to M and E.... finally my brother succumbs to the lightening bolt of true love. E do you have any siblings?"

Talking to Baph last night.

We ended up both sobbing in the car in the parking lot. IT wasn't about us this time; it was about our mothers. We are both children of abandonment. (please analyze that later)

I"m older, have children of my own and do have a mother who loves me regardless of our bloodlines. I was allowed to call her "mommy" but Baph didn't get that. He has the same history of broken promises and utter disappointments from his mother that I do from my birthmother.

At one point he said "I'd give my left nut to know what my mother feels about me"
I thought "no, you'd give your left nut to hear that she actually loves and misses you and is sorry. YOu probably don't really need to hear what she REALLY feels"

I only told Baph, "well I know what my birthmother feels; I was the reason she went crazy and put herself in an institution. and when she got out of there I was the reason she went to live in a commune and took tons of drugs. Yep, I made my birthmother leave and go crazy"

That is my bitterness. I believed this, and yet I forgave her anyway.

I don't believe it anymore. I haven't since I had kids of my own. I look at those boys and I scream at them and I hug them and I help them and I struggle for them and I do all the things MY birthmother refused to do. The same things Baph's mother refused to do. I do all these things for no reason other than I want to have my kids. I love them and I want them to be beautiful, inside and out.

My birthmother and I don't talk anymore. She had the audacity to try to criticize me once (about my parenting and my housekeeping) and I decided the time for forgiveness is over. I was a good daughter, I called her always, went to see her when she'd let me and I tried to include her in my life. Always she resisted. Always she let me down. The day I realized she was apt to be the same with MY kids - her grandchildren - I decided that it was all over.

I owe her nothing.

She, like Baph's mother, is a FUCK-UP. I don't have to feel guilty for not feeling guilty.

But he's not there yet... he's still crying for the mother he was supposed to have and never got. I try to comfort him and tell him that he's got to face that his mother is a fucked-up person but I know it may be years before he'll accept that.... he may never do so.

I want to be a good mother and in some ways I am. I don't do what I should all the time and I am VERY lazy, but one thing I know is that I will NEVER leave my kids. I will NEVER make them feel like they are a burden. I will NEVER let them think they are anything but the wonderful gift they have always been to me.

THat doesn't mean I spoil them, it doesn't mean I don't discipline them, it just means I treasure their existance and guide them as well as I can.

I'm just never sure that I'm doing it right because all I remember is wishing my birthmother loved me; what could I have done to make her leave me and go crazy?

My REAL mother (legally known as the step-mom) loves me and has always been there for me. She may have come in late, but she's the one I look to for guidance even today. I wish I hadn't wasted so many years pining for a woman who couldn't be my mother nad just appreciated the one I had right there.

I intend to appreciate her for the rest of her life.

Current Mood: contemplative

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Page generated Jul. 20th, 2025 06:32 am

life with talking trees

"I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death."

Entries tagged with 7 deadly sins

turn a corner?

in totally bland daily news

announcement

yeah just no

Well you did it...

The Passion of Cass

interesting conversations #1519

Dating Horrors

Hell Week: Part 1

I'm jumping the bandwagon: tell the world your secret

Quandry

non-brotherly thoughts

Poly? Serial Monogamy? Commitment? head spins

PG-13

Allow me to share my earworm with you:

Getting to know you.....

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours:

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