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Living in a cupboard
Aug. 11th, 2002 02:16 amIt's been a week for teary eyes. I missed my brother's wedding ceremony but we were in time for the reception. (little tip folks: If you want to have your wedding in a remote national forest make sure you can follow your own directions.... landmarks are always a good backup to street names!)
I walked in and saw my brother dancing with our mom. He had that goofy, happy dazed look that he's had ever since his bride said "yes". His wife (!) was dancing with my dad and everyone looked so HAPPY. My brother saw me and motioned me over on the dance floor... I walked up and his wife saw me too and walked over to me. The next thing I know, my whole family is standing together grinning at each other with our arms around one another... his wife and I looked at each other, reached out and hugged and immediately we both starting crying (*choke*) I felt deliriously ridiculous... she and I both laughed at ourselves while crying and hugging each other; my bro still grinning, my father beaming and my mom (jus a lil tipsy) swaying and laughing.
I turned around and saw Baph and my kids watching us.... the whole room was full of people I've had in my life since forever, everywhere was nothing but intimacy and closeness.... I never thought a wedding could feel like that. Childhood friends chatting with extended family who live far away, familiar cousins mingling with people they've never met in their lives, Bro's wife's family being hugged and smiled at, everyone sharing something that was palpably beautiful.
Yet there was a zen-like quality in the air too.... every single person in the room was happy, relaxed and willing to share their stories with anyone else around. Long-time couples were squeezing hands, children were sociably aimless, and everywhere you went there were introductions galore.
Baph. What can I say? My closest family was surprised I had brought him: I am well known for having a "flavor of the week" who might be banished tomorrow and they all know I rarely share my extended family with anyone. He shook hands, chatted and smiled with all who approached and everyone liked him. He obviously fit right in. A longtime family friend made the comment "your taste in men has gotten MUCH better" - an embarrassing admission but one that was true and appreciated nonetheless. Not since DD (and Dot to a lesser extent) has my SigOth been so appreciated.
[To clarify, DD was inadvertantly brought to ONE family gathering (on my mother's side) and was warmly received whereas Dot was only introduced to a few select members of the extended family on the other side.]
Baph is the first SigOth (besides the ex-asshole) who has met most of the ENTIRE extended family (and that includes people before the ex-a).
Why am I being so meticulous in my detailing of the meeting of Baph? I don't know... he said to me later "I realize the significance of your bringing me here.... I know what it means"
I felt foolish because only then did I realize what it meant myself. I'm comfortable with that, and yet I'm not. I don't like the idea of my subconcious altering my otherwise predictable behavior. Yet I am pleased that my trust and security has increased.
The Tao can appear at strange moments.
Is it possible to know yourself and ignore what you know? Of course it is....
Have you ever felt like you were living in a cupboard? Isolated but still able to rejoin the world at any time? Inside, there is a world you have created, and knowing it is mostly fantasy you spend time there whenver you can because it brings you the only comfort you know of? How often do you turn inward to retreat from rejection? How often do you walk right back out of that cupboard and face the cold uncaring world again? How hard is it to drag yourself up and out to take your lumps? How much do you wish for a kiss instead the usual slap in the face?
Yet you DO leave the cupboard, hoping it will be different today, and even if it isn't, that cupboard is still there under the stairs waiting for you. Something about knowing it is there, with its toys and realms of adventure and characters who all know you and love you.... something about that helps you to endure the thrust of another knife to the psyche when you walk outside.
Would you give up your cupboard if you knew you had a chance to feel that way in the real world? Would you let someone blow it up for you, if they promised to build a better one that you could both share?
Or would you rather keep it a secret? Locked and sealed against anyone's intrusion? I suppose we all keep at least one cuupboard a secret... possibly even from ourselves. The travelling we do to get to it though.... we are less sneaky then we realize. Many a friendship was born because two people shared the same cupboard location.
Many a friendship has been broken because a cupboard was defiled.
I stepped out of my cupboard today... I dreamed outside of my world and into the real world.
It wasn't as scary as I thought.
Maybe, just maybe, I should consider going out a bit more often.
I walked in and saw my brother dancing with our mom. He had that goofy, happy dazed look that he's had ever since his bride said "yes". His wife (!) was dancing with my dad and everyone looked so HAPPY. My brother saw me and motioned me over on the dance floor... I walked up and his wife saw me too and walked over to me. The next thing I know, my whole family is standing together grinning at each other with our arms around one another... his wife and I looked at each other, reached out and hugged and immediately we both starting crying (*choke*) I felt deliriously ridiculous... she and I both laughed at ourselves while crying and hugging each other; my bro still grinning, my father beaming and my mom (jus a lil tipsy) swaying and laughing.
I turned around and saw Baph and my kids watching us.... the whole room was full of people I've had in my life since forever, everywhere was nothing but intimacy and closeness.... I never thought a wedding could feel like that. Childhood friends chatting with extended family who live far away, familiar cousins mingling with people they've never met in their lives, Bro's wife's family being hugged and smiled at, everyone sharing something that was palpably beautiful.
Yet there was a zen-like quality in the air too.... every single person in the room was happy, relaxed and willing to share their stories with anyone else around. Long-time couples were squeezing hands, children were sociably aimless, and everywhere you went there were introductions galore.
Baph. What can I say? My closest family was surprised I had brought him: I am well known for having a "flavor of the week" who might be banished tomorrow and they all know I rarely share my extended family with anyone. He shook hands, chatted and smiled with all who approached and everyone liked him. He obviously fit right in. A longtime family friend made the comment "your taste in men has gotten MUCH better" - an embarrassing admission but one that was true and appreciated nonetheless. Not since DD (and Dot to a lesser extent) has my SigOth been so appreciated.
[To clarify, DD was inadvertantly brought to ONE family gathering (on my mother's side) and was warmly received whereas Dot was only introduced to a few select members of the extended family on the other side.]
Baph is the first SigOth (besides the ex-asshole) who has met most of the ENTIRE extended family (and that includes people before the ex-a).
Why am I being so meticulous in my detailing of the meeting of Baph? I don't know... he said to me later "I realize the significance of your bringing me here.... I know what it means"
I felt foolish because only then did I realize what it meant myself. I'm comfortable with that, and yet I'm not. I don't like the idea of my subconcious altering my otherwise predictable behavior. Yet I am pleased that my trust and security has increased.
The Tao can appear at strange moments.
Is it possible to know yourself and ignore what you know? Of course it is....
Have you ever felt like you were living in a cupboard? Isolated but still able to rejoin the world at any time? Inside, there is a world you have created, and knowing it is mostly fantasy you spend time there whenver you can because it brings you the only comfort you know of? How often do you turn inward to retreat from rejection? How often do you walk right back out of that cupboard and face the cold uncaring world again? How hard is it to drag yourself up and out to take your lumps? How much do you wish for a kiss instead the usual slap in the face?
Yet you DO leave the cupboard, hoping it will be different today, and even if it isn't, that cupboard is still there under the stairs waiting for you. Something about knowing it is there, with its toys and realms of adventure and characters who all know you and love you.... something about that helps you to endure the thrust of another knife to the psyche when you walk outside.
Would you give up your cupboard if you knew you had a chance to feel that way in the real world? Would you let someone blow it up for you, if they promised to build a better one that you could both share?
Or would you rather keep it a secret? Locked and sealed against anyone's intrusion? I suppose we all keep at least one cuupboard a secret... possibly even from ourselves. The travelling we do to get to it though.... we are less sneaky then we realize. Many a friendship was born because two people shared the same cupboard location.
Many a friendship has been broken because a cupboard was defiled.
I stepped out of my cupboard today... I dreamed outside of my world and into the real world.
It wasn't as scary as I thought.
Maybe, just maybe, I should consider going out a bit more often.
