Jill Baker: 1968-1984
Jan. 13th, 2003 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smibboI still mourn. I once sat in the office of a therapist and at some point I was crying over the death of my best friend which happened when I was barely 18 years old.
"does it ever go away?" I asked sobbing "does it ever stop hurting?"
very softly, she said "no. Sometimes it hurts for the rest of your life. Sometimes it never goes away, but that's good. Would you want to ever forget her or how much she meant to you?"
"of course not," I said.
"you'll learn, over time, how to deal with it better, but it will never really go away, not if you truly loved her"
Of course, it's been 19 years since she died and it still hurts just as much as it ever did. When I truly think about it, and remember that night, that phone call, all that screaming. all that numbness, all that disbelief, it still hurts just as painfully, just as raw, just as jumbled, just as sharply and just as wrenching as it did that night.
I deal, though.
She was right. Some pains never go away. Some pains pile on top of other, similar, pains and keep on digging at you. Every now and then, you stop and mourn again. It seems like you'll never cry enough, whether your tears are on the outside or the inside.
I'll never forget her. I think about her once every day. Most times it's fine and good because I'm thinking about the wonderful stuff, and how great it was to have her as my friend. Once in a while, though, I think about how much it hurt me when she died. A part of me was killed that night. A part I'll never get back. That's okay, though, because that part belonged to her and it's right that it should die with her.
But I still miss her. I'll never stop. That's okay too. My therapist was right; I did learn to deal with it, but I'll never stop mourning.
For Jill, yes I still love you, even after all these years. I told you I would.
"does it ever go away?" I asked sobbing "does it ever stop hurting?"
very softly, she said "no. Sometimes it hurts for the rest of your life. Sometimes it never goes away, but that's good. Would you want to ever forget her or how much she meant to you?"
"of course not," I said.
"you'll learn, over time, how to deal with it better, but it will never really go away, not if you truly loved her"
Of course, it's been 19 years since she died and it still hurts just as much as it ever did. When I truly think about it, and remember that night, that phone call, all that screaming. all that numbness, all that disbelief, it still hurts just as painfully, just as raw, just as jumbled, just as sharply and just as wrenching as it did that night.
I deal, though.
She was right. Some pains never go away. Some pains pile on top of other, similar, pains and keep on digging at you. Every now and then, you stop and mourn again. It seems like you'll never cry enough, whether your tears are on the outside or the inside.
I'll never forget her. I think about her once every day. Most times it's fine and good because I'm thinking about the wonderful stuff, and how great it was to have her as my friend. Once in a while, though, I think about how much it hurt me when she died. A part of me was killed that night. A part I'll never get back. That's okay, though, because that part belonged to her and it's right that it should die with her.
But I still miss her. I'll never stop. That's okay too. My therapist was right; I did learn to deal with it, but I'll never stop mourning.
For Jill, yes I still love you, even after all these years. I told you I would.
