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What's Up Not_hothead_yet?
Jul. 13th, 2005 07:11 amI'll tell you what's up!
I've been going slowly crazy. That's the best I can put it.
To detail:
We had![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lafemmedesfemme and salvaged move in, which necessitated moving the boys all upstairs. We ran out of money within a few days the last two paychecks. I have not been able to go see my friend in the hospital/hospice. A bank account that I've been sending money to sent us a statement that showed they had not "received" any of the deposits. The boys are gone until school starts. I've been having migraine after migraine. Then my period started and after ten days it looks like it's finally stopped. I started sneaking a scoop of caffeinated coffee into my decaf. I can't seem to finish ANYTHING I start because it's just one interruption after another. Baph and I have been confronting some very important issues between us. I am just about ready to commit hari-kiri if I spend too many more nights stuck inside the house. I was told I cannot be considered for the school bus driving job because there are "too many citations" on my lisence. Yeah. Not one point on my lisence but five citations involving two violations. One of which was that whole damned debacle of my driving on a lisence that was suspended by NJ fifteen years ago and was reported as suspended because NJ couldn't be bothered to update their national records. Great. I hate fucking beauracracy so much.
Too many crises, too many people and too much to do without the focus I need to get any of it done.
Usually, when the boys are gone during part of the summer, I use that time to chill out, finish some projects and do a bit of reading and writing. HA! Baph has managed to finagle a bit of chilling out for me a couple of times but aside from playing CoH I can't seem to relax on my own. oh and the roommates have been having issues with us as well. It's just non-stop fun at the Erahpay house.
But I'll tell you something. I remembered a mantra of mine the other day: "If you aren't happy, be happy anyway and hope the universe catches up"
I've been trying and trying to get this old method of mine to work. It sure as hell ain't easy. Joe Queenan once described a technique for dealing with exquisite torture whereby one "goes zen" and attempts to deal with said torture minute by minute. Of course, Mr. Queenan also described how said technique failed to work for him until he applied it second by second. That's pretty much what I've been trying to do these last few days. I feel like I have many important decisions to make and the only way I'm going to get through this particular trying time is to get through each moment, each second, expecting to come out of it whole, happy and relieved. I have to say that it is extremely wearing to keep this up. Continual optimism, no matter how small and general, is not a self-renewing experience. Like cynicism, one must work, constantly, to maintain a sense of hope. In order to truly believe there is something to look forward to, one needs a small amount of fulfilment or satisfaction that it truly is happening. It is the looking for hints of the light at the end of the tunnel which is the hardest part.
What has kept me going is this: I have not had one panic attack while trying to sleep during this entire insane month. I feel especially hopeful and proud because of this one little accomplishment.
So maybe I'm not going crazy after all. Maybe I'm just getting better.
I've been going slowly crazy. That's the best I can put it.
To detail:
We had
lafemmedesfemme and salvaged move in, which necessitated moving the boys all upstairs. We ran out of money within a few days the last two paychecks. I have not been able to go see my friend in the hospital/hospice. A bank account that I've been sending money to sent us a statement that showed they had not "received" any of the deposits. The boys are gone until school starts. I've been having migraine after migraine. Then my period started and after ten days it looks like it's finally stopped. I started sneaking a scoop of caffeinated coffee into my decaf. I can't seem to finish ANYTHING I start because it's just one interruption after another. Baph and I have been confronting some very important issues between us. I am just about ready to commit hari-kiri if I spend too many more nights stuck inside the house. I was told I cannot be considered for the school bus driving job because there are "too many citations" on my lisence. Yeah. Not one point on my lisence but five citations involving two violations. One of which was that whole damned debacle of my driving on a lisence that was suspended by NJ fifteen years ago and was reported as suspended because NJ couldn't be bothered to update their national records. Great. I hate fucking beauracracy so much.Too many crises, too many people and too much to do without the focus I need to get any of it done.
Usually, when the boys are gone during part of the summer, I use that time to chill out, finish some projects and do a bit of reading and writing. HA! Baph has managed to finagle a bit of chilling out for me a couple of times but aside from playing CoH I can't seem to relax on my own. oh and the roommates have been having issues with us as well. It's just non-stop fun at the Erahpay house.
But I'll tell you something. I remembered a mantra of mine the other day: "If you aren't happy, be happy anyway and hope the universe catches up"
I've been trying and trying to get this old method of mine to work. It sure as hell ain't easy. Joe Queenan once described a technique for dealing with exquisite torture whereby one "goes zen" and attempts to deal with said torture minute by minute. Of course, Mr. Queenan also described how said technique failed to work for him until he applied it second by second. That's pretty much what I've been trying to do these last few days. I feel like I have many important decisions to make and the only way I'm going to get through this particular trying time is to get through each moment, each second, expecting to come out of it whole, happy and relieved. I have to say that it is extremely wearing to keep this up. Continual optimism, no matter how small and general, is not a self-renewing experience. Like cynicism, one must work, constantly, to maintain a sense of hope. In order to truly believe there is something to look forward to, one needs a small amount of fulfilment or satisfaction that it truly is happening. It is the looking for hints of the light at the end of the tunnel which is the hardest part.
What has kept me going is this: I have not had one panic attack while trying to sleep during this entire insane month. I feel especially hopeful and proud because of this one little accomplishment.
So maybe I'm not going crazy after all. Maybe I'm just getting better.
