crappy crappy crappy

I'm so frustrated.

I just spent two and a half hours in traffic. it's raining and my windows keep blurring even though I blasted heat on them enough to make me wanna strip down to a bikini.

I didn't take the kids to school today because I miscalculated something in our daily routine. I had a job today though, so they got to spend the day productively playing games and watching videotapes.

I had an argument with my mom, because although I've never done anything to my parents except run away from home when I was 15, she seems to be convinced that I'm going to rip them off or put one over on them. If I knew why they felt this way about me, I'd do something about it, but I have no CLUE why my mother thinks this way.

I will be absolutely broke by next week. Bills and expenses and monies owed and new things popping up, I don't have a handle on anything like I thought.

People still leave me disappointed. They say one thing then get angry that I make decisions based on what they say. Then I'm feeling hurt, defensive and angry that I was lead to believe something only to be fooled again, and I've supposedly let someone down in the bargain. It's so tiring trying to keep up with everyone's expectations. People always say "Fuck other people's expectations! live how you want to llive!"
Let's get real here; how many people truly live with absolutely no concern for other people's expectations? How many people do you know like that? Are they well-adjusted? Are they happy? Please. We shape ourselves into who we'd like to be based on the expectations of people whose opinions we trust and admire. Or at least people whose opinions mean something to us. So don't preach to me about "getting over" other people's expectations. If I was unconcerned about other people's expectations and opinions, I'd be a an insanely self-centered person and/or socially maladept.

I just find myself wondering if I'm doing something terribly wrong in expecting people to mean what they say when they say it. Perhaps I am wrong to make assumptions and decisions based on what they tell me. On the other hand, I've tried pinning people down (apparently that is seen as mistrustful and annoying) and I've tried disregarding other people's input (that is seen as being intolerably selfish and inconsiderate)

So why is it okay that other people constantly tell me "this is how I want things to be" and I make my plans accordingly, then somehow I am the "bad guy"? I keep hearing "well I didn't mean it like that" or "well if you'd told me you disagreed at that exact moment..."

FUCK!
Everyone's got deadlines, hopes, goals and opinions, but MINE are supposed to be swept aside to assuage someone elses CONSTANTLY? Do I have a sign on me that say "My desires and views are insubstantial, please disregard them if they clash with yours"

Here's what I'm doing:
I am going away for a weekend in Chattanooga some time in February.
I will NOT accept a bed that has been "refurbished" for my son.
I am going to buy expensive advertising in a real local magazine.
I will bring my kids to school whenever I damned well feel like it's a good thing to do.
I am going to renovate my kitchen and get a fucking stove for the first time in two-three years.
I will continue to save my money by not buying "fun stuff" but for every blue moon. Whatever can be bought second hand will be but some things are a better value when bought new.
I will go out dancing sometime next week whether or not anyone wants to go wtih me.

If you don't like any of the above, tough shit. Go make your own life.