Something I came across from my past...

[smibbo]

RULES FOR WOMEN AND MY ANSWERS:

Men:. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

Women: We are not asking if we are fat.... we are asking if you still think we are attractive. You KNOW this, quit playing stupid and just give us a kiss


M: Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

W: We'll learn to work the toilet seat when you learn to not splash it all over the place, put your socks in the hamper UNBALLED, and/or get your own beer. You're big boys, deal with that!


M: Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

W: We'll stop cutting our hair when you are the ones to brush it, pull it out of our eyes, condition all the split ends and pay to cover the grey. We notice that you guys rarely keep your hair longer than a buzz-cut so don't bitch about our short hair unless you're going to grow yours too.


M: Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

W: Birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays are a time to actually put some thought into appreciating the one you love. That's what giving a present means - not shutting us up. You like getting power tools, the latest electronic gadgets and/or new socks so don't act so superior.


M: If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.

W: If you give an answer you KNOW we won't like, don't act so put out when you are right. We have feelings and sometimes they get squashed. By you. You're going to feel guilty. Live with it.


M: Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

W: When a woman looks at you with love in her eyes and asks "what are you thinking about?" get a clue and at least smile at her before ruining the romantic moment. If you played along, we'd put out more. Think about that.


M: Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and NASCAR.

W: We ask what you are thinking about because either we want to be romantic or we are bored. If you can't get with either program you're not going to hold our interest for very long. If NASCAR is the best you can come up with, ask us what WE are thinking about, or is that just too complex?


M: Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

W: Sunday = Sports. All day? And you wonder where your beer gut comes from...


M: Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

W: Shopping is a necessary part of life. We enjoy it because it reminds us that we will not starve, be stranded or freeze to death for another week. If you stopped whining about it once in a while, perhaps we might sit down and watch a ballgame with you. "Quid Pro Quo" - look it up.


M: Passing gas is a normal and necessary bodily function. It in no way creates a requirement to leave the room.

W: Menstruation is a normal and necesary bodily function. It is a irritating fact of life for us and we not only deal with it personally, we also have to put up with our girlfriends PMS just like you. So we see both sides of it. If you can sit and watch Knee surgery on cable, surely the word "menstruation" is not grounds for an attack of the willies. Quit being wimps and go fetch the damned blood catchers for us and while you're at it pick up some Mydol so we can stop feeling like knifing you just to get a little sympathy. (A side note: when you buy "feminine products" for us, NO ONE thinks it is for your use! In fact, you should be proud to buy those things as you are basically telling the world "I have a woman with whom I am on intimate terms")


M: When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
M: You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

W: The vast majority of clothing designers are male. We did not create this ridiculous societal pressure to own "the perfect dress". Pick something out for us if we are taking too long. When you stop ogling models openly, we will probably stop striving to look like them, even when it's impossible.


M: Crying is blackmail.

W: Crying is a normal emotional reaction to pain and frustration. If it makes you uncomfortable, that is YOUR problem. Either give us a hug or sit down and shut up until we're done.


M: Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

W: My ex-boyfriend may be an idiot, but your ex-girlfriend is a psychotic bitch.


M: Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

W: We KNOW hints don't work. Apparently neither does coming out and saying it. Eventually our patience does wear out. If you won't listen, why should we keep telling you?


M: We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

W: When we mark the calender, look at it. Please.


M: Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

W: Every human being has preferences. If you want to get to the movie on time, STATE your preference. After all, you're the one who has to be seen with me. You wouldn't want your buddies to show up to the backyard football game wearing a tuxedo?


M: Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

W: Get it through your heads: women rarely "ask questions" we OPEN DIALOGUES. "yes" and "no" is not a dialogue. If you don't like discussing things, go date a dog.


M: Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

W: When we say "I have a problem" notice we do NOT say "will you fix this?"


M: A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

W: "I have to work late" every night for more than two months is grounds for not just seperation but possible blacklisting amongst all females. If work is that interesting, give up sex.


M: Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

W: If you want to watch a stupid movie, go with your buddies. We don't particularly want to be that "macha", y'know?


M: Check your oil. Please.

W: Put your dishes in the dishwasher or the sink. Please.


M: Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

W: Sometimes we like it for you to just enjoy yourself too. You don't have to be Casanova every time we have sex. It doesn't make you less of a man or a bad lover.


M: Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

W: Yes, we remember all the stupid things you said last week, last month, last year..... either watch what you say, or learn a new phrase: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it"


M: If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

W: We'll dress like Victoria's Secret girls if: 1)someone else pays those ridiculous prices 2)someone else buys us some serious plastic surgery 3)Someone else scrubs the toilet bowl


M: If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

W: Quit Backpedalling and just admit that you said something stupid, okay?


M: Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

W: Sure you can ogle. Hows about you keep your drool inside your mouth though? It's embarassing us.


M: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

W: Just because you've got a hard-on doesn't mean we care. The world will not end if you don't "git some" right away.


M: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

W: Quit doing favors half-assed if you don't like to hear us complain. You think we don't know what you are up to? Stop being so lazy and just do the job right! You wouldn't change the brakes halfway, why do you mop the floor halfway? and yes, it is the same thing to us.


M: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

W: If whatever is on TV is more important then what we have to say, then whoever we are talking to on the phone is more important than whatever item you are trying to locate.


M: Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

W: If you don't need directions, then perhaps you could find the remote yourself.


M: Women wearing tight low-cut tops lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
W: We wear low-cut tops for you to notice us (it's better than hitting you on the head) but that does not mean our boobs are capable of rational conversation. Go ahead and look, but talk to my face please.


M: More women should wear tight low-cut tops. We like staring at boobs.

W: My body does not go back in time. Accept that and quit mentioning work-out spas. I'll work out when I'm damn well ready, not because of you!


M: The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better.

W: You like to talk shop, we like to talk shop. Never the twain shall meet and you guys whine about it as much as we do.


M: If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

W: Sure, everyone scratches. There is no manly statement to be made by doing it in public though. It doesn't make you attractive, just boorish.


M: We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

W: We don't want mind readers, we want understanding. If you don't know the difference, you need to date a simpler woman.


M: If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

W: You stall for time by acting stupid. We stall for time by acting nonchalent. It's not rocket science guys.


M: What the hell is a doily?

W: A doiley is something our grandmother taught us about. It's a woman thing. We have those and frankly, you probably don't want to know about most of them.