* Satia * Conclusion...?

So, in essence, NOW you are saying that you are "working through" this depression by "honoring" it? Gee, that's funny, I thought you said you were wishing you had died. IN fact, I believe you say daily that you wish you were dead and you'd do it too if it weren't for your kids. That's not "working through" and you know it. That's either peaking the crest of depression or manipulating to hurt others. Either you want to hurt the people who are reading you every day (and trying to figure out ways to help you in whatever capacity) OR you are at the height of your depression. If you are at the height of it, then there's nowhere else to go but OUT. I truly hope that is the case.

You told Maeve that you couldn't understand her feelings of worthlessness. You lied to her face. You have the exact same feelings inside you bubbling all over the place and yet you lie to her, lie to your children and then crow about lying to them (and US) every day. You couldn't have simply told her, "yes I understand how you feel... I feel the same way too much. Could we talk about ways that we both try to deal with this feeling?" You had a chance to bond with her in an extremely important way; you could have shared something vital to growing up, but you chose to belittle her experience and claim ignorance of something you are going through RIGHT NOW.

I don't expect you to be strong all the time. I expect you to be honest though. You claim to be brutally honest but you are patently not. You claim that you have been wearing a mask and that if anyone were to contact you you'd simply pick it up again.

So all this time when I thought we were good friends, I was mistaken. All this time you've been trying to deceive me. When you get out of this, how can I ever know that you are happy to be my friend? How can I ever be sure that you aren't simply tolerating my presence and secretly loathing every minute of it?

I made a decision after getting rid of the ex-asshole: I will never tolerate being emotionally manipulated or deceived again by ANYONE, especially the people who claim to care about me. You've already admitted to doing such and now you defend such actions as your "way". You are angry that people are hurt by your constant threat of suicide and their expression of that hurt. Oh, it's okay for Satia to be hurting and to lash out at others, but it's not okay for others to cry for her? We're supposed to be like you and just hide those emotions?

As you said, we are not the same person. Our ways of dealing with things may often differ. When someone I care about hurts, I cry out in pain. When someone I care about needs, I cast about for ways to fill that need. When someone I care about lies to themself, I open my big fucking mouth and tell them what I see to be the truth.

I truly thought we were friends, but apparently I was wrong. I don't count among my friends anyone who lies to me and then ardently defends such deceit as if I was the one in the wrong. I shared my feelings with you honestly and openly because I felt you deserved such respect. You certainly have the right to reject my feelings, but if you choose to denigrate me for doing so, then you aren't my friend. Depression, I can understand - believe it or not LOTS of people have been where you are now. I have been there several times in the last year. To the point of breakdown. However, belittling, deceiving and trying to manipulate people who care about you - that's inexcuseable. I believe you said as much (or wanted to) to your daughter. Now you do exactly as she does. Nice.

I thought we were friends. Was I mistaken?

Why I Am Getting Married

After I finally made the decision to get rid of the ex-asshole, I was scared. I wasn't scared of making it without him - that was the point see? I was scared of ending up back with "him": He who lies without thinking and backs it up with a shrug of the shoulders. He who ignores his commitments whenever they inconveniance him. He who blames everyone else for his misery. He who emotionally flogs everyone around him because it's the only thing that brightens his day. He who never misses a chance to let everyone know how miserable he is. He who never, ever admits to having a problem.
I was terrified of being with "him" again.

I dated DD because he was so much like the good parts of the ex and seemingly so UNlike the bad parts. DD was kind. DD was joyful. DD was excitable. DD appeared to enjoy my company. More than anything, DD wasn't miserable because of me.
I enjoyed being in love with DD. The giddy feelings, the happiness, the generousity - all that poured out of me in a torrent from the broken dam of the last ten years of my life. Everything I could not dare to be with the ex, I could be with DD. He didn't mind at all.
Came a time when I decided I wanted more than just the giving part, I wanted the getting part too.
That's why I loved Dot. Everything that had poured from me to DD, FLOODED from her to me. All the love I had enjoyed giving to him, she enjoyed giving to me. I did not feel worthy of such adoration. Turns out, I wasn't worthy. No one is really. That kind of adoration is something given to a supernatural creature and I was, and still am, human.
Came a time when I decided I wanted better than just being worshipped, I wanted to be real. I wanted a partner. This decision came slowly but painfully. When I finally realized what I truly wanted, it scared the shit out of me.
Because I was right back where I started: wanting someone to join with me and live this difficult life together.
Where did that get me before? At least five years of absolute misery and humiliation, that's where.
what better logic than to cover that desire up, hide it away and fear it more than any other part of myself? I knew I wanted to be partnered, cherished and loved as a real human being, but I was so scared of falling into that same trap that caught me more than a decade ago. I backed away from that desire like a bed of hot coals.

More than once I admitted to some (and myself) that I fully wanted and expected to be married someday... married happily and forging a new life with someone incredible. I also recognized the current impossibility of such a desire. Given my past ghosts, I wanted no part of actually seeking out such a fantasy. I opted instead to run the other way.

I had a fabulous time. I dated, had affairs and ran my own life as I pleased.

Then I met Baph and somewhere along the way a tiny little ray of hope shoved inside me. I started to believe that perhaps it was possible to live life with someone who wanted to be there next to me, slugging it out with me against the universe's inevitable obstacles and bullshit. I started to believe but you know fear doesn't disappear just because it may no longer be needed.

That fear kept prodding me all the time. I kept trying to turn my back on that old desire to choose partnership. By the time I realized what was happening, I had also acquired a certain blind independance parading as pride too.

What an uphill battle I made for Baph. At first I did it out of fear. At some point I was doing it out of pride. Eventually, I did it out of anger.
I had gotten angry about what I perceived as my weakness. I had convinced myself that not only did I not want what I had ardently desired all that time, I had also managed to make myself a habitual destroyer.

Layers of defense or bullshit?

Basically I ended up with a huge wall of knee-jerk reactions and it all boiled down to fear. I was afraid that I was weak for believing again. I was afraid that I was no longer competant if I allowed assistance. I was afraid I would be secretly ridiculed for giving in to the very thing I avoided for so long. I wanted to be free of all my emotional encumberances. I was always ready to see the proof of my cynicism.
But a tiny part of me still believed it was possible with Baph. A tiny part of me believed because he worked so hard at making me believe. It was important to him and though I still held a lot of mistrust and disbelief in me, I could not deny that his dedication is real.

I am going to marry Baph. I was embarrassed about that for a while, then I was hesitant but regardless of my old fear that lives inside me, I am marrying him. I can admit freely that I am afraid of what I'm doing but I'm doing it because I know my fear is not protecting me anymore. Now, it is my belief and Baph's belief that protects us and guides us. It is our common bond of dedication to this endeavor that carries me through my fear. It is our mutual support that proves to me this is what is the right course of action.

More than even believing in him, I finally believe that I am capable of protecting myself while letting someone else protect me too. If I could finally get to the place of facing my past and admitting it has ruled me long enough, then I think I am finally at the place where I am ready to trust my own decisions about the rest of my life. I will make mistakes further down the line, but this is something I know I will never regret. I am afraid still, but I am also confident for the first time in years: I really truly believe that getting married will enhance my life, my children's lives and any future generations to come. I truly believe this is an action I can be proud of - I make this decision thoughtfully, carefully and happily but not without a world of struggling. That struggling was the test of my faith. I had a choice to make and I made it: I chose to make myself vulnerable again to someone. What I know now is that I chose to make myself fragile to someone who will only hold that frailty with the greatest of care and respect.

It is not enough that I love him, it is not enough that I trust him, what is the final piece of my letting go is that I am ready to admit that my fear is no longer a part of me I need to keep me alive. Instead, I need what we have built together...

and it is such a wonderous thing.

haha

You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're
an Angel!
Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did
you always
behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the
hell outta
people with your attitude, but no doubt your church
is real happy
with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the
negative,
after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do
charity work.
Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You
just make the rest
of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the
rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra
cookie or something.
However - congratulations on being the most pure,
of the entire human race.


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
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