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I had it with Lil Miss.

We were settling in after school and she was at her computer playing MineCraft. I told her I was taking a shower.
While I was in the shower, she came into the bathroom and asked me if I would go with her to the store after my shower. I said "yes, we will go to the store after my shower is done."
I got out of the shower, put my clothes on and walked out of the bedroom. No Lil Miss. I went downstairs yelling for her, thinking maybe she went into her old room and was trying to open the cans of paint Liz had left. No Lil Miss. Third Son came out of his room because of all my yelling and I asked if he had seen her. He began going around the downstairs looking as well while I yelled outside in the backyard. No Lil Miss. I went out the front door and yelled. NO Lil Miss. I yelled again louder in the driveway towards the woods next to the house. No answer. I ran down the road a bit and looked (without my glasses so I don't know why I bothered) but nothing was different. I started to shake. I ran inside, grabbed my phone, my glasses and my keys. Third son was looking at me, anxiety in his eyes, "I'm going to drive and look, you stay here and if she comes back, you CALL ME RIGHT AWAY. DOn't YOU GO ANYWHERE"
"okay" he said
I ran outside and started yelling again, louder than before. I yelled so hard my voice started rattling in the middle of yelling. Meanwhile I was texting J but my hands were shaking so bad I mangled the message into "Omh jalkistti us gonr" - thanks auto-correct for at the most crucial fucking time of my life to decide to ignore me completely -

Just as I was about to get in the car, she popped out of the bushes down the road and began running towards me.

I immediately texted J saying She had showed up. he deduced what happened and started firing questions at me. I used the time it took her to get to me to calm the hell down and not hyperventilate. When she finally walked up, I managed to not throttle her, scream bloody murder or swoop her up in a bone-crushing hug. INstead I allowed myself to look as scared as I felt and talked sternly to her.

"WHY did you leave!"
"I wanted to see the cars at the end of the walk"
"you mean the main road? you wanted to look at the main road?"
"I wanted to walk to the store"
"I told you I was going to take us to the store"
"But I wanted us to *walk* to the store"
"we have had this conversation before, Lil Miss, the store is too far and it is too dangerous to walk there - there are not enough sidewalks"
"but I wanted to go for a walk"
" you cannot leave this house without me. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. LOOK AT ME"
"....yes..."
"you scared me so much I was going to cry. I thought you were gone."
"I'm sorry" (bursts into tears)



So now I cannot ever take a shower or a nap when she is here. JFC
smibbo: (xmas)
Me: okay Lil Miss good night, I love you...
Lil Miss: wait mom! I need hugs and kisses!
Me: of course
*hugs and kisses commence*
Me: Always. I am always ready for hugs and kisses
Lil Miss:[getting under the covers] yeah cuz everybody needs more hugs and kisses for me.

we sure do, baby, we sure do.
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Lil Miss: Mommy, I screaming!
Me: yeah I heard. Do you want a scone? Blueberry scone?
Lil Miss: no. I gotta be a kangaroo.
Me: ...okaaay
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Lil Miss: This is MY trophy!
Me: What's it for?
Lil Miss: it's for ME!
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J: Hey Shadow, wassup?
(cat walks by)
Lil Miss: DADDY!
J: what?
Lil Miss: Cats DON'T LIKE TO TALK!
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So while in Florida, we are getting ready to go to the zoo. During the upheaval, Lil Miss goes outside and starting plucking English Ivy leaves. She comes to me with a bunch in her hand.

LM: mom, these are da leaves. I gonna feed to da zebra
Me: uh, well that's very nice honey but I don't think zebras
LM: I GONNA FEED TO DA ZEBRA. DIS FOR DA ZEBRA.
Me: okaaaay.

so we go to the zoo. She looked at nothing from the moment we got in. ran down the ramps trying to find the zebras, of course. I finally caught up with her at the zebra spot. The zebras are below us, as part of an African plains-themed area. they are currently eating hay. We are leaning over a wooden-post railing. She has climbed to the second rung and can see over the top. She is holding her ivy in her hand, waving it back and forth.


LM: ZEBRAAAA! ZEEEEBRAAAAS! I GOT YER FOOOOOOOOD! ZEEEEBRAAAAS!
Me: uh, honey, I don't think
LM: ZEEEEBRAAAAAAS! COME HEEEEERE! I GOT YER FOOOOOOD!
Me: baby, the zebras are already eating
LM: ZEEEEBRAAAAS! HEEEEERE YA GOOOO! HERES DA GRASS! COME HERE!
Me: LIL MISS!
LM: whut?
Me: honey, the zebras are busy, they can't get your "grass" anyway.
Lil Miss looks down, sees how far down the zebras are. Notices a small catwalk below us, obviously for keepers to use. Its about 4feet below us on the other side of the rail we are leaning against.
LM: Mommmy, I not fall from dat.
Me: no, you won't fall from that. because you're not going down there YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT HERE.
LM: I not fall!
Me: you're NOT GOING DOWN THERE.
LM: but mommy, da zebras can't get da grass
Me: look, the zebras are already eating. they aren't interested in the ivy honey because they eat hay. what you have is not hay. they can't even see or smell what you are holding.
LM looks down. Thinks. Drops ivy. Watches Ivy fall to the ground about six feet from zebra.

LM: ZEEEEEBRAA! ZEEEEEBRA! THERE YOUR GRASS! ZEEEBRAAAA!


I had to haul her away promising to buy her a stuffed zebra at the shop.
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Lil Miss: hey, is that yer penis?
K: yeh, that's my penis
LM: hey, hey, listen, listen: boys have a PENIS
K: yah, boys hab a penis
LM: and daddy's have penis, and babys have penis
K: yah
LM: no, no, listen, listen, *I* don't have a penis
K: ...
LM: see? look see?
K: ...
K: no, I dont' see
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because it was so popular on Facebook I bring it here:

‎"jingle bells, money smells, brahmin laid an egg, oh what fun it is to lie in a one-whore open slay HEY!"

- lyrics by Lil Miss
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Second Son told me his phone wasn't working. So he threw it away. All the way into the garbage which was picked up this morning.
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Lil Miss and I have been watching "Enchanted" she obviously loves it, even gets emotional during the love scenes and all that. She was half-awake, lying on me, when the scene where the two main characters were walking in the park, right before Giselle starts singing "That's How You Know" and suddenly Lil Miss goes "Hau toss see doh, do lubber? hau toss see doh... dooocah?
....daaahs haaau tooo doooohh, DAHHHS HAU TOO DOOH!"

OMG

*dies*
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yesterday, everything was going really well for a whole 30 minutes. No fighting, no screeching, no crying, no whining. Lil Miss didn't even ask me for "ahhh-skoo-wai" once.

So, feeling really good, I lean over the bannister and yell "hey! WHO WANTS POPSICLES??"

Everyone comes running up the stairs, we all start dancing in the kitchen, clapping hands and cheering. Then I open the freezer with a flourish, pull out the popsicle box and find

ONE popsicle

Holy shit, imminent disaster of toddler-epic proportions. Why oh why didn't I LOOK first? Oy vey.

Oldest Godson, who is nearly five, sees inside box and knows what's coming. Younger Godson is not so savvy. Lil Miss is already reaching for the one popsicle in my hand. I give it to LM and tell the godsons how incredibly sorry I am, I made a mistake, I swear by all that is holy in toddlerland I will get them more popsicles as soon as their mom gets here. Godson-the-younger looks sad and pouty-ish but I think he kinda groks the situation. Godson-the-hyper chats with me about the situation and gets okay with it. I offer GtY some cantelope - no dice (and I don't blame him) and I swear to him I'm gonna get him some popsicle. I call the boys' mom leaving an urgent message "PLEASE call me unless you are turning onto my street THIS IS IMPORTANT" and feel like total crud-on-a-stick. I don't know what else to do, GtY is sad but he's not crying or actively pouting or anything like that... so I walk away hoping that their mother is either right around the corner or aboutto call me back while she's in Publix.

I hear some giggling. Walk back over and see LM sharing her popsicle with GtY. Holy crap. I don't think I've ever seen her share anything she was actually engaged with. Melted my heart completely.

Then their mother drove up. I explained the situation (while she laughed her ass off at me) then dashed to the store to restock the frozen treats. Came back, distributed frozen treats and all was well with the world again.
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Son Number Three: I've been waiting for the day when I actually look good in a sleeveless.
Me: um... you look nice

*walks off flexing his shoulders while looking at them*

a test

Sep. 19th, 2007 12:09 pm
smibbo: (Default)
here's a little test for all you parents out there (and I'm sure plenty of non-parents will figure this out too)

If a kid's nose bleeds a little trickle, then promptly stops so you send him on his merry way then he comes back complaining of nose bleed again, which promptly stops again then the whole thing happens again....

What is causing the nosebleed?

...the school nurse didn't know this. But she learned it today.
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Discussing the poison ivy rash...

Baph: son, is it anywhere else on your body?
SNTh: no.
Baph notices SNTh pinching his groin area.
Baph: Are you SURE it's not somewhere else?
SNTh: ...
Baph: look, if it's somewhere else, we need to know so we can treat it... it's just going to get worse if you dont' tell us and we don't put something on it... besides, you know what happens if you just keep scratching at it?
SNTh: ...
Baph: you'll scratch holes in your skin and we'll have to take you to the doctor and he'll have to give you a shot
SNTh: I got it.. on my... reproductive organ
Baph: *blink*
SNTh: *squirms*
Baph: It's called a "penis"
SNTh: *Blushes*
Baph: you know what? almost everyone in this house has one... you can say "penis", it's okay...
SNTh: I got some on my ...penis
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SNO caught me reading up on the fire that brought down Johnny Cash's former residence. He asked if I knew who owned it. "yeah," I said "Barry Gibb, of the Bee Gees..."

SNO commences to singing in a falsetto voce to the tune of "stayin alive"

"well you you can tell by the way my house burned down, it's bound to flame, right down to the ground.... paint that flames as you can see, will burn it nice, like gasoline.... if it burns, that's okay, I'll get insurance any-way...."


Just STOP, son.... STOP.

*trying to figure out if I should be giggling or apalled*
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SNO: [explaining a video game plot] ...then the midget turns out to be a crossdresser and -
Me: uh, what rating is this game again?
SNO: I DON'T KNOW!
SN1/2: It's rated "Q" for "retarded"
Me: "Q" for "retarded"??
SN1/2: yeah, that's how much sense this game makes.
smibbo: (Default)
(boys going downstairs)
SNTh: okay....
Me: whatcha doon guys?
SNTh: we're going to watch
[brain misfires]
Me: you're going to watch "Toaster of Doom"??
(boys giggle)
Both: TOY STORY TWO!
Me: oh. Have fun!

haha

Aug. 7th, 2006 12:44 pm
smibbo: (Default)
SMIBBO: dammit
Quake Gibz: ?
SMIBBO: dogs are barking
SMIBBO: while I'm on phone
Quake Gibz: oh
SMIBBO: phone call has one of those "voice recognition" thingies
Quake Gibz: lol
Quake Gibz: so it transfered you to a vet?
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SNO got a book by O'Reilly for xmas as a joke. He was reading through bits of it and we were all laughing at Mr. O'Reilly's lack of teenage sophistication. We are, of course, talking about teenagers here.

SNO: "...don't wear clothing that de-niggre-grates-"
Me: 'denigrates'
SNO: "denigrates people because of their racial, ethnic heritage, gender, sexual orientation, physical or mental handicap..." [long list]
Me: who does that anyway?
SNO1/2: oh come on! You know you got a T-shirt that says "fuck cripples!"

After I stopped laughing my ass off, I thought "actually that'd be pretty funny T-shirt. Waitaminute...maybe I'm picking up their tastlessness?
smibbo: (Default)
We all went to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner. Son Number Two wasn't allowed to have the "pizza bread" until after he ate his salad. He was very good about it; he ate his salad in record time and made pleasant conversation. After the salad, he got his requisite three pieces of cheese and tomato foccacia. I brought him some melon which he also ate but then he went and got three more pieces of cheese and tomato foccacia. Then he went back and got two slices of sourdough. I considered mentioning to him that they had "black bread" (since he loves pumpernickel) but realized he probably already knew it wasn't real "black bread", just really dark, seeded bread. He seemed quite thrilled with the sourdough. All the while, he was talking about his culinary choices and how much he was enjoying it all.
When he came back with his two slices of sourdough, Baph couldn't resist teasing him. )
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