First, a link:Penis Love in a bottle
Second, a continuation:
The day before yesterday I posted a lengthy no-holds-barred (well okay yeah I didn't cuss... I was feeling erudite n'shit) generalized rant about popular American Culture and how mean-spirited it can come across to those of us who don't fit the mold.
That was only half of what I wanted to say. What follows is the second half.
Dear Individual Americans from my past,
I want to take this moment to truly place the blame for my condition where it belongs. It was you, oh mostly anonymous people from my past, who are to blame for me turning out the way I have. Because of a huge assortment of mostly anonymous (to me) people, I am who I am today.To all the people who took me in when I was a baby, while my birthmother was AWOL and my father was on the road, be assured that I have been affected by your treatment of me.
I don't remember any of you, I surely don't know your names or where you are but I do know that without you, I wouldn't have the present instant trust issues that I have were it not for your caring of me during that critical time in my development. Whenever someone accuses me of being too trusting, too quick to embrace a stranger's POV, I blame you people for that. After all, if you strangers (to me) had not taken me in, a tiny toddler with absent parents, and loved me, cared for me and looked after me, I might have become distant, mistrustful and frightened of strangers. I might have ended up with a healthy xenophobia like the rest of the country. It is your fault I am ready to believe and trust strange people.
It is your fault I make friends so quickly and easily too. If I had not been carted around, introduced to friends and family and integrated into your own families, as if I were your
precious baby instead of the strange burdensome white kid that I actually was, I might have ended up believing myself to be unimportant, unloved and unwanted, thus becoming too alienated from people to actually attempt to form bonds and open my heart to others. It is your fault I am so ready to like people: too much love and caring went into your fostering of me and now to this day I believe people are willing to like me and accept me. Too often I am right and too often do I discount when I am wrong. Thus I know it was your heinous influence upon my spirit that allows me to approach total strangers in certain settings in order to socialize with them and enjoy the experience. As for the exploitation of this "talent" by my friends who were usually too shy to approach others and form bonds, I blame you for this as well. Therefore, there are quite a few people from my past who were also affected by your influence upon me. Many people benefitted from your teaching me how to be "brave" and friendly and went on to gain friendships and close bonds because of my ability to connect others socially and I'm sure they too blame you for those social bonds that I began. They are quite well aware of this, so there's no need for them to chastise you personally, but I thought I'd mention it on their behalf.To the teachers and volunteers from my grade school, know that I remember you (even your names!) and think of you often whenever I get excited about learning something new.
It is your fault I have such a profound curiousity and am unafraid of uncovering new information. It is also your fault I have such a boundless thirst for knowledge that is intangible and multi-dimensional. Because of your constant prodding, pushing and praising, I cannot stumble upon anything new or unknown without furiously pursuing more. Because of your bizarre approach to teaching, I cannot be satisfied to let my brain calcify and degrade, even at 40 years old! Rest assured I know how influential you were to my never-ending quest for understanding as well. If it were not for your belief that all children want
to learn and your insistance that children can learn best by non-standard methods such as "open-classrooms", "peer mentoring" and "voluntary scheduling" I would not have this wholistic belief in the power of environmental learning. Without your exhaustive work in presenting myriad forms of learning-through-play I doubt I would have such enjoyment whenever I discover something unknown to me. It is your fault I research so relentlessly everything I find dubious and enjoy doing so. It is your fault I never want to stop discovering things and it is your fault I have so much fun finding out what I don't know especially from other people.To the children who went to all those private schools with me, know that I remember most of you (yes, names too!) and I remember how kind and accepting you were to me, the freak.
It is your fault that I often forget how feakish I look and expect equal treatment from people. It is your fault I believe such equal treatment nearly always comes and conveniantly forget how often it does not come. Because of how nonchalantly you accepted me into your circles and made friends with me, I am the accepting person I am today. Of course I sometimes get angry because other people sometimes cannot be as accepting and friendly as you were with me and for that unreasonable reaction, I blame you too. Since the bulk of my formative years were spent with people and children who were encouraged to see the similarities within us and celebrate the differences between us, I still approach others as if they would have good reason to overlook my appearance and accept who I am on the inside and believe that to be the case the majority of the time. Growing up sensing that most people would rather be my friend rather than be my enemy, I still carry that sensibility with me ever after and it is mostly your fault. To all the lovers I have had in my life (and yes I remember every one of you quite well), know that it is your fault that I believe myself to be beautiful and sexy despite the media's constant reminders of how unacceptably ugly I am.
Despite my realistic understanding of how I am superficially viewed by society, I still believe myself to be attractive and worthy of love and lust anyway. Even on days when I look in the mirror and feel hideous, I remember some of you specificly and know my feelings are merely transitory flights of fancy that, although shared by society-at-large, ultimately do not matter to the people who are important. It is your fault that I care enough to wear nice clothes occasionally, put on makeup and parade about as if I am someone who makes others feel good just by being near. I blame you for my persistant belief in the individual nature of people's libidinous preferences. Even though society never fails to remind me of how I should lock myself away in shame and never expect love or sexual contact, I didn't and it is your fault.To all the intimate relationships I have had in my life, (need I say it?) know that it is your fault that I expect courtesy and respect in every relationship I had after you.
Despite the arguments, the tears, the broken hearts and the near-misses that we went through, I retained an immense measure of caring and love for each one of you that reamins to this day. It is your fault that I carry these friendships with me still despite having declared our intimacy to be finalized or cut-short. The fact that nearly all of your chose to remain friends with me, keep in touch with me and share yourselves with me in spite of our relationship "failings" convinced me then as now that good people sometimes cannot make an intimate relationship but that does not mean they cannot still be close. Because of all your attempts to help me grow and change, whether or not it worked and whether or not it helped our intimacy, I keep all of you in my heart and consider all of you people who are more than deserving of not only my love but all the goodness the universe has to offer. Because each of you has remained true to your word to love me despite our "break ups" I still believe that love holds fast whatever changes occur in a relationship. I would not be so happy to call you "friend" were it not for your ability to focus on our good ties, rather than the things that pulled us apart. I blame you for my ability to listen, grow and change after I should have stopped growing and changing. I especially blame you for my desire to do so with grace and love since you all were so understanding and patient with me whenever I was not being graceful or loving in my changes.To my children and everyone in my extended family, know that it is your fault I believe in such things as loyalty and truth.
Were it not for all of you constantly supporting me and helping me through everythign I have gone through, I would not be as secure and honest as I am. It is your fault I expect greatness of spirit and and ready to embrace failure as a lesson learned. Were it not for your ever-present belief in my ability to overcome obstacles and the security of knowing you were always there to help me pick up the pieces of a life gone awry, I would not be as grounded as I am today. It is your fault I am ready to accept defeat but keep on fighting, your fault I am happy to find new lessons in someone elses changes and your fault I reaffirm my own competance on a daily basis. You always believed in me, even when I was falling and because of you I am ever-ready to keep trying. You all taught me how to fight for what you want, what you believe and what you know is right. I would not be a paladin if it weren't for all of you showing me how to crusade and giving me reasons to crusade.To my husband... not one lesson in my life compares to everything I have gained since being with you.
I used to say that I was lucky growing up... now I know that I just had "a life"; luck had nothing to do with it. All I received? It's all around and everywhere... just look for it and I bet you can find it too.