smibbo: (blue hair is my normal)
it's been a long time so I cleaned up my friends list. If I took you off and you think I shouldn't have, then comment here. I probably took you off because I didn't recognize your username and I think we don't actually know each other.
smibbo: (Default)
Its no great secret there's a few people I've fallen out with in a big way. People who continue to be friends with other friends of mine. I'm totally cool with that. I am sometimes sorry that I have certain aspects of my personality that make it so I cannot continue a friendship sometimes - that makes things awkward for my friends. I'm occasionally puzzled that the issues I had with those specific people didn't crop up with other people and I wonder "what is it about me - good or bad - that makes it so that some things are just irreconcilable?"

To be fair, there's some people I've fallen out with that I went back later and patched up with. Because I'm actually NOT an asshole. I realized, over time, that either the problem we had could be "fixed" (because I realize we both WANT to fix it) or the "problem" never really existed in which case I get up off my ass and do my best to apologize and make amends. I've been blessed/lucky so far that the people I've apologized to have accepted my apology and patched things up with me. Each time, i'm really surprised by that and really really grateful. Maybe things will never be all sunshine and roses, but I've remained friends with those people still and I feel honored to this day.

But there's a rare few people I fell out with that I can't go back to. And it bothers me not because I particularly miss them but because I had attachments to them that I *do* miss.

And in that group, there's a couple of people I fell out with that I can't go back to because *they* are the ones who need to apologize to me. I'm still convinced of that. I wish they would apologize to me, but they won't. And that makes me sad as hell.

Because every year since "breaking up" with each of them, I've gone back over the correspondence between us and tried to figure out where *I* went wrong. And I come to the same conclusion each time: I may not have handled things in the best possible way (if that can exist) but I still do not feel *I* did something wrong, other than not like something *they* did to *me*.

And there's the difference: the people I've apologized to? I did something to them. I did something wrong. SO I apologized. It doesn't matter what prompted me to do what I did, unless its part of my apology (like the person I scratched out of my life ever-so-rudely because I was basically emotionally confusing her with someone else who had hurt me badly) and that's only to make them see that I know it really was MY fault. Because sincerity is important to me. I really go over things like this on a regular basis. Fairness matters, in friendships. If I hurt someone, no matter how slightly, its on me to see that, own it, and make amends if possible.

Lastly, there's one or two people I hurt on purpose because honestly, I was tired of them and their crazy shit. I felt pressured and pushed and put upon and I was tired of dealing with their constant crap. So I more or less jumped on a chance to get rid of them. I'm not proud of it, but seriously, when you find yourself in the middle of a relationship that you realize you don't want to continue what in hell DO you do?

Anyway, I'm still thinking about one person, out of all the people I "broke up" with, who really disappointed me. She turned out to be harboring all kinds of secret resentment and judgements on me. It had been creeping out over time until I pushed the issue. Then she just unloaded on me.

This was my annual re-reading of our last correspondence and rather than feel angry and hurt all over again? I just feel sad. I really liked her... until her judgey started seeping out and I couldn't get her to admit it. To the last, she railed and ranted against me and everything about me. Things that weren't even true, had she bothered to TALK to me. But she had stopped talking to me some time ago before that blew up.

That's why I had to turn my back and walk away. That's why I'm sad. Because I really did think we were friends. But friends don't do that: they don't hold some negative shit in so long that it become a ticking bomb. So she stopped being my friend before we had it out. But it took me a couple of years to realize that. it makes me sad.
smibbo: (Default)
The reason I am no longer friends with quite a few people is very simple:

They offended me more than once.
I let them know they offended me in as neutral a way as possible.
They got pissed at ME for being offended and proceeded to berate me for being offended.
They then further maligned me when I refused to engage any more.

Here's a hint:if you have upset someone you care about, I should think you would WANT to at least TRY to make rights. By deciding to attack me because I was offended, you pretty much scream that you don't care about me at all. Which makes me question the whole of our previous friendship.

I'm not saying you have to agree with me or beat your breast, or declare yourself an asshole. Just allow that if I am offended, I have a RIGHT to be offended and since you CARE about me then you want to make things right. You may end up feeling like *I* am the asshole. That's fine. Maybe I am. But I guaran-damned-tee you won't get me to apologize to YOU if you don't have the wherewithal to approach the situation in a decent respectful manner.

Have I made it clear? There are three people in particular I am thinking about here. Very specific situations. They all did something that gravely upset me - and not for the first time either - but when I expressed my chagrin, i was basically treated WORSE. So I realized we must not really be friends. Because that's not how you treat your friends.

Trust me, if in the course of our interaction, you tell me I have upset you, even if I am pissed at you, I will approach the situation with something of an olive branch if not an outright immediate apology. Because no matter how irascible I can get? I am not actually looking to piss off my friends. And I am not just flapping my gums here; I have on MANY occasions humbled myself and apologized to a friend for upsetting them. Sometimes I had no idea I was doing it and sometimes I had gone overboard. And a couple of times I was just feeling shitty and took it out on the first person to make a minuscule mistake in my presence.

And yes, as soon as they told me they were offended, I apologized. Regardless of my feelings on the subject at hand. Because my friends mean more to me than "being right". Even if I was still upset or thinking they were "wrong". Someone being wrong it not license to make them feel shitty.

Always, afterwards we have been able to work out some shit, if it was needed.

but I don't work anything out with people who dismiss my feelings outright. Fuck that. once you make it clear you have no intention of examining your behavior, we're done. DONE.

And a couple of those people? I kind of miss the friendship I thought I had with them. But I don't want them back. Because that friendship was just what I THOUGHT was there. Obviously, I was mistaken. Because friendship is not predicated upon ME putting up with abuse from someone silently. Oh hell no.
smibbo: (Default)
I'm distancing myself from people who have disappointed me in their ethics, morals and values.

We don't have to be the same in any of the three but you do have to be honest about yours and consistant. When you rant and rail against someone else breaking "your morals" then turn around do the same damned thing - "oh but this is DIFFERENT"

Then I do not want to be close to you. Because I have no idea if I'm going to be the next target of your "flexible" standards. Or someone I care about.

And all this time I've no idea if you have been judging ME for our differences.

Yes, I am not pleased if certain specific standards of ours are different and there's some non-negotiables but really its a matter of honesty.

Standards are what we hold even when its difficult.

Lastly, if you care about someone AT ALL, then you would check yourself whenever you might be doing something that would cause strife in their life. Even if it brings temporary pleasure, that's not an excuse to create problems for someone else. Even if it means denying yourself something nice, that's not an excuse to make someone elses life difficult.

“If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.”
― Jon Stewart
smibbo: (Default)
I actually like facebook - its simple and easy to share websites, articles and news with friends. not to mention George Takei's picture memes.
But OMG every day it gets more and more soapboxy. I'm really getting fed up with it.

Yes, yes, I know, everyone's allowed to post whatever the hell they want on FB. But I'm sick of being bombarded with people's political, religious, parenting, and conspiracy views ALL THE DAMNED TIME.

I swear when I first got on there it was mostly people sharing web related stuff and posting pics of their kids. Telling funny short stories and relating basic ideas of what they are doing in their lives. Now apparently no one just LIVES any more they march around with signs screaming about pet issues.

Don't get me wrong, i've used it for pet issues occasionally too. BUT I swear to god some people spend precious hours of their life LOOKING for more shit to post about their pet issues. Now I expect that from the couple of anarcho-paranoid friends I have. Sure, they think the whole world is out to get them and enslave them or whatever so they go looking for more evidence of that. But in the last six months I've also had to "hide" the posts of people who
  • post incessantly about their DOG (including videos of his "first real bark!!")
  • brag about how nasty they treated someone based on their looks (they did this CONSTANTLY)
  • talk about being violent against political opponents
  • post nothing but zen-ish "serenity" crap and then get offended if I point out that its unrealistic advice
  • find news articles about racism no matter how unsubtantiated, dated or otherwise suspect (not to mention trivial. and yes, posting about some lone 80yr old racist man who sneered at someone in church even though the rest of the WHOLE TOWN repudiates that one man is IMHO trivial. Yes, racism exists. I know there are still racist people around, especially in deep south. No shit sherlock)
  • post about the ONE TRUE PARENTING (that includes the ONE TRUE PREGNANCY and the ONE TRUE CHILDBIRTH)
  • post about the ONE TRUE DIET
  • post about how "evil" some methodology or philosophy is when they obviously don't know ANYTHING about said
  • post about the ONE TRUE VIEWPOINT on the disabled
and the worst offense of all? People who post articles/essays without actually taking a minute or two to cogitate what said piece is ABOUT. I gave up expecting anyone to cross-check the veracity of anything anymore. I appear to be one of the FEW people who do that. and even I've been fooled before and had to delete stuff. That's why I'm extra careful about posting incendiary stuff. I've gotten into more arguments with "friends" about stuff that was posted before they bothered to actually look up that shit. It's gotten OLD.

yes, I'm done with all that.


Oct. 21st, 2010 05:37 pm
smibbo: (Default)
Recently, a friend pointed me to a blog by someone she really likes. Unfortunately, the entry I started reading was about using a word that the author does not like.
I liked her writing. I did not agree with her plea at all. Being as I am unfamiliar with that writer, I didn't feel "right" about leaving a comment disagreeing. So I'll talk about it here.

The word she is opposed to is "crazy"

From the bulk of the entry, I surmise she is someone who is psychiatric care. Like me. And my husband. And my son. And most likely eventually my daughter. Then there's all my friends and some family.
As we all know, its not that our society has gotten more crazy, its that our understanding of brain disorders has widened and deepened and many disorders are treatable now that weren't even seen as brain dysfunctions before. When I was a teen, depression was something you talked about with a counsellor. THere were anti-depressants but they were based on amphetamine and they were being phased out for myriad reasons. Brain science was very much in its infancy. Sociology was barely talked about. Cultural anthropology and evolutionary biology weren't really on the radar. Certain conditions were considered "crazy" if you had to be medicated. Because generally, back then being medicated meant you were probably incarcerated. (except for the upper-middle class who had drug dealers called doctors and everything was all about anxiety)
So when I was younger, "Crazy" when used to describe a person wasn't so much perjurative as it was damnedably descriptive: a crazy person was someone out of control and probably locked up, or SHOULD be locked up.

Now we're in an age of science that's just dazzling. The things we understand (and the things we know we don't understand and are looking for) are just astounding to me. They've proven that depression can be chemical. They've proven that Tourettes is a brain dysfunction, not a rebellious nature. They know the difference between someone with epilepsy and someone with dissociative disorder. It is amazing to me the things we've "discovered" in the last thirty years.
So to me, "crazy" has never really meant "someone who needs meds". When using it to describe a person, "crazy" means psychotic, chaotic, uncontrollable, dangerous, incomprehensible... etc you get the picture. But a person who takes zoloft? or Paxil? Or anxiety meds? that's not "crazy" that's just someone with a brain dysfunction.

So reading her essay about how hearing the word "crazy" makes her cringe and she finds it "ablist" rather bothers me. Not in an annoyed way but in a sad way. As I see it, the problem is in her point of view. SHE identifies as "crazy" but feels that "crazy" is a perjurative. But from what I read, she's not in need of incarceration or sedation or restraints. She's not "crazy" she's just got some brain disorder.
As many people pointed out, the word "crazy" is a very contextual word. Its useful to describe all sorts of chaotic situations and incomprehensible objects. I do agree that our society has gotten a tad lazy at times and "crazy" is overused. It's not a light word or it shouldn't be. "silly" isn't "crazy" "amusing" isn't "crazy" "mixed up" isn't "crazy"
But that's just English and slang for you; some words get favored for a while and come to mean all sorts of shades that it never covered before. So it was with "dynamite" and so it is with "crazy" (and the next word I'll talk about) I could go on for years about words that fell into favor and got completely overblown until the next word (I had a particular loathing for the all-purpose word "tight") came along. But "crazy" isn't really one of them. It's always been used in many contexts. It's a very all-purpose descriptive. Chaotic, stressful, untenable, degenerative, destructive, insane, disordered, uncontrollable, not to mention it can replace good ole "very"
That's how our language works sometimes. "crazy" was never a medical term or a technical term. It has always covered many shades of meaning. So to pull out one aspect of it and say "because it has this meaning to me I don't like people using it in ANY context.
I just don't agree. You can't dictate that to all of society. Not when its a word that has always had a wide basis.
If you think one word is perjurative, I can get behind that. Calling someone "crazy" directly can be a serious insult. It can also be a term of affection. It can also be a flippant comment. It can also be a strengthener of a more important notion. But to think that every time someone uses it it somehow belittles you because it CAN be a perjurative... I have a hard time with that.
I'd feel the same way if the term discussed was "Dark"
There is a difference between the word "dark" and "darkie"
If someone tried to tell me I can't say "its a dark night" because they are too reminded of the term "darkie" I'd have to respectfully say "sorry, no can do"
So I'll say things like "I had a crazy day" and if that makes some odd person somehow cringe, then I am sorry their self-image is so skewered.

Then there's the "R" word.
Let me be frank: I use the "R" word when referring to objects or situations. I am totally okay with that.

I do not use that word about people unless I am being flippant and assuredly private. It is not acceptable to use that word as a descriptive term and I agree.

No, The "R" word used to be a technical/medical term and thus has many more applications than just people, but of course it evolved in slang and came to mean one thing: "irrevocably stupid"

Mentally disabled people are not irrevocably stupid. The new meaning of the "R" word is incorrect historically and technically but it is too late. Furthermore, our ability to diagnose and label the forms of intellectual impairment have widened dramatically since the "R" word was first used and in some sense, it no longer applies anyway. Thus it can no longer be used in its original form to describe a medical condition any more than "crazy" can be used to describe someone with a brain dysfunction. It simply isn't accurate. The difference is that the definition of "crazy" has not changed in either general use or slang use. Because it has MANY definitions. The "R" word has only ever had one definition. Originally it meant "slow growth" It doesn't mean that anymore and everyone knows it. So we cannot justify using that term on people anymore. Perhaps in private conversation when referring to someone everyone agrees is in fact "irrevocably stupid" it will get used, I'm sure, but I think/hope its use is dying off. I like to think society is coming around to the understanding that just about no one is irrevocably stupid. I like to be naive like that sometimes.

The last word is "gey"
I don't think I really have to get too into it here to outline why I just won't use that word and I hate it and I will call out anyone who uses it. IN light of everything I've said about "crazy" and the "R" word, I should think everyone can grasp why "ghey" (I don't give a shit how you spell it, we KNOW what you mean) is just wrong.
smibbo: (Default)
Me: (woken up from disturbed sleep on couch) Huzzat? Wha?
Baph: (rather peeved being as sleeping on couch is agreed to be prime insult to other person in relationship) Why the hell are you sleeping on the couch?
Me: (groggily) because there was a monster in the bathroom.
Baph: (suspicious and still peeved) A monster?
Me: yeah. A monster...
Baph: (walking away, disgusted) yeah, right, a monster. Whatever.

Baph: (on telephone) Oh, I killed the monster in the bathroom this morning.
Me: (eternally grateful and relieved) You did?! Oh thank god.
Baph: Yeah, he wanted to take a shower with me.
Me: Ugh, was he nice about it, or nasty?
Baph: Nasty. I was thinking, "no!! You don't get to shower with me! ONLY CASSANDRA gets that right!"
Me: UGH. *giggle*

work rant

Jun. 13th, 2004 06:19 pm
smibbo: (Default)
I got a migraine attack something fierce at work today. I came to work around 7am, but no one was there. Wha?? The manager finally drives up, hustles to the door and let's us both in. Just the two of us. Wha? Turns out the opening crew came to work on time, sans one person. That one person was the person who had the keys to open the door. The three who were left, called everyone they could but no one answered their phone. THey finally left and went to their respective homes. One person kept calling the manager until they finally woke him up. He came running to the store. I clocked in 15 minutes early to help him open the store. What is supposed to take about 30 minutes, we did in less than 5. Well actually, we didn't; he just opened the store before we were ready. As a result, we gave away about 4 litres of coffee because the cash register was not ready. Heaven forbid we should ask our precious customers to wait for their fucking coffee. Heaven forbid we just tell them to go up the the street to one of the other Starbuck's! There was a guy who sat in his car, waiting at least an hour, just to get his freakin Starbucks coffee!

I really mean it when I say, Starbuck's customers are the most spoiled people on the planet. They get away with murder in the store and have ridiculous expectations about how completely they want their ass kissed. Mind you, if you go into a Starbucks; unless you are polite, most of us behind that counter automatically think you are a big spoiled brat. Don't even start to defend yourself. If you can't be the least bit polite to the poor jerk standing behind that counter then you are just as spoiled as all the other rich assholes who come in to my particular store. I can't tell you how many people came in today who were so nice and understanding to me, while I moved around like a sloth, crippled by red-hot-pokers in my brain and blurred vision and nausea. But for every nice customer (most of whom are regulars) there had to be at least four or five people who were annoyed, snappish, rude and snobby to boot about how I was handling the situation. People can't even smile, what's up with that?! Even though I was actively thinking about just walking off and "fuck this stupid job!" I still managed to smile at every customer, be polite and courteous and give them what they wanted. Oh but I guess I forgot, I'm just a stupid peon who is obvioudly beneath the likes of the special golden Starbuck's customers. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to go home and cry myself to sleep in a darkened room but Starbuck policy is that unless you are at the emergency room, you are responsible for finding someone else to cover your shift. If you can't find someone, oh well too bad for you. Eventually, someone agreed to cover the last two hours of my shift, so I got to go home. But the last hour was torture... I really mean that. Every time I moved suddenly, new spikes of searing pain shot through my brain and neck. I was worried I would end up barfing on the counter in front of people.

One nap and lunch later and I think the worst is over. Yeah, my head is still pounding but after a while, you go ahead and do what you gotta do because it doesn't matter. Whether I lie down or sit up, read, write or watch a video, my head's going to feel the same, so I might as well do somethng pleasant. That's why I'm going to go dig up my old copies of Beavis and Butthead and watch them all.

This rant has been brought to you by the letter "F" and "u" and by the number "google"
smibbo: (Default)
Someone in Australia is doing research on the families of Autistic children. I thought it was a pretty good survey and it's kind of nice that for once a research actually gives a shit how family members are affected.

So here is the essay part of the survey )


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