Jan. 12th, 2013

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Its no great secret there's a few people I've fallen out with in a big way. People who continue to be friends with other friends of mine. I'm totally cool with that. I am sometimes sorry that I have certain aspects of my personality that make it so I cannot continue a friendship sometimes - that makes things awkward for my friends. I'm occasionally puzzled that the issues I had with those specific people didn't crop up with other people and I wonder "what is it about me - good or bad - that makes it so that some things are just irreconcilable?"

To be fair, there's some people I've fallen out with that I went back later and patched up with. Because I'm actually NOT an asshole. I realized, over time, that either the problem we had could be "fixed" (because I realize we both WANT to fix it) or the "problem" never really existed in which case I get up off my ass and do my best to apologize and make amends. I've been blessed/lucky so far that the people I've apologized to have accepted my apology and patched things up with me. Each time, i'm really surprised by that and really really grateful. Maybe things will never be all sunshine and roses, but I've remained friends with those people still and I feel honored to this day.

But there's a rare few people I fell out with that I can't go back to. And it bothers me not because I particularly miss them but because I had attachments to them that I *do* miss.

And in that group, there's a couple of people I fell out with that I can't go back to because *they* are the ones who need to apologize to me. I'm still convinced of that. I wish they would apologize to me, but they won't. And that makes me sad as hell.

Because every year since "breaking up" with each of them, I've gone back over the correspondence between us and tried to figure out where *I* went wrong. And I come to the same conclusion each time: I may not have handled things in the best possible way (if that can exist) but I still do not feel *I* did something wrong, other than not like something *they* did to *me*.

And there's the difference: the people I've apologized to? I did something to them. I did something wrong. SO I apologized. It doesn't matter what prompted me to do what I did, unless its part of my apology (like the person I scratched out of my life ever-so-rudely because I was basically emotionally confusing her with someone else who had hurt me badly) and that's only to make them see that I know it really was MY fault. Because sincerity is important to me. I really go over things like this on a regular basis. Fairness matters, in friendships. If I hurt someone, no matter how slightly, its on me to see that, own it, and make amends if possible.

Lastly, there's one or two people I hurt on purpose because honestly, I was tired of them and their crazy shit. I felt pressured and pushed and put upon and I was tired of dealing with their constant crap. So I more or less jumped on a chance to get rid of them. I'm not proud of it, but seriously, when you find yourself in the middle of a relationship that you realize you don't want to continue what in hell DO you do?

Anyway, I'm still thinking about one person, out of all the people I "broke up" with, who really disappointed me. She turned out to be harboring all kinds of secret resentment and judgements on me. It had been creeping out over time until I pushed the issue. Then she just unloaded on me.

This was my annual re-reading of our last correspondence and rather than feel angry and hurt all over again? I just feel sad. I really liked her... until her judgey started seeping out and I couldn't get her to admit it. To the last, she railed and ranted against me and everything about me. Things that weren't even true, had she bothered to TALK to me. But she had stopped talking to me some time ago before that blew up.

That's why I had to turn my back and walk away. That's why I'm sad. Because I really did think we were friends. But friends don't do that: they don't hold some negative shit in so long that it become a ticking bomb. So she stopped being my friend before we had it out. But it took me a couple of years to realize that. it makes me sad.


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